Teeth

Yes I still miss Marshall. No he hasn't called nor will he ever call.

New topic.

So my wisdom tooth has been kicking my butt since Monday! I've been attacking it with Hydrogen Peroxide, IB Profen, Garlic (crazy I know) and in the late night when it wakes me out of a dead sleep, prayer. Truth be told none of those have been helping all that much -1 . And this morning had me revisiting my O-so-wonderful childhood and made me further reconsider the whole "handing the reigns over to God" concept I've been battling over for a bit.

So I've been waking up a bit later these past few days (Later being 8:30am - 9:ooam as opposed to 7:15am- 7:45am) I blame the acetaminophen which has been my friend since the tooth pain started. Today I was up around 8:30 and I went up stairs to begin the battle that is brushing my teeth while having an abscessed tooth. I used mouthwash, brushed, rinsed, used hydrogen peroxide, rinsed, done. But some expression on my face when I walked into the kitchen prompted Lani (my roommate/head of the household) to have my attention and ask "What's up with that tooth?" And in a swift two minutes of concerned chatter and me explaining how I can't do anything due to my lack of knowledge of my insurance/funding, he dictated his next actions which included getting phone numbers and making calls to see a dentist. I just stood there in the middle of the kitchen feeling so weird. Then Lani called me over to sit next to him and held me as I began to cry.

I cried because for ONCE I felt like someone cared more about me than money. Someone didn't scold me for wanting some form of medical attention or tell me that the physical problems I had weren't a big deal. My mom, though she may never admit it, made me feel awful whenever I made hint at wanting to go see a doctor. Though she went to the doctor for nearly every problem she's had (and she's had many a surgery and doctor visits in her time.) I mean not to speak poorly of my mother, but she basically came off to me as selfish in that realm. And due to this and many other issues I've had with her in my life I've grown to try to do everything on my own. Living in the Peck House has been having me consider otherwise.

"Giving is easy, but Receiving is the hard part."

The paraphrased lesson that Lani mentioned in his wonderful Pastoral way. After spending another Sunday evening with my good friend (almost sister figure) Traci, our deep discussions made me try to figure out further how I should view the God that had shown himself to me back in May. Right now, he has been a very close, understanding friend with an INCREDIBLE sense of humor. Master? Not so much. Father? I've never had one to know, but I have such a low view of fathers that I wouldn't bother insulting any being with that view. I speak so causally about God because I still don't know how to understand him (and if you're a good friend of mine you're probably throwing in that he/she/it factor whenever you read "he" in this... for now give it a rest) But in talking to Traci about how I view him, I recalled saying how I just find it so peculiar that people just give their problems to him... I've been holding the reigns on my life for a long time. I don't give myself a lot of credit because I have had help, but overall I've dictated a lot of things in my life. The very idea of me giving the reigns to God is so... daunting to me... And I can see myself constantly asking for them back haha. But Lani telling me that he was going to get me to a doctor because I had an EMERGENCY and him calling and setting the appointment when I hadn't asked him to and me having my insurance cards ready (apparently they took it! Who knew?) Made me realize that I really had been doing things by myself and made me realize that I did like help and appreicated someone else caring so deeply about me beyond giving me rides to school and useless pep talks. Maybe the God I'm speaking to is listening to me... Maybe the God I'm getting to know is loving and wants what's best for me... I'm sure there are many ways to learn and experience his true identity, but honestly I'm still fearful of tacking on a religion to such a vast being in my life.

Talking to John (my other roommate) brought up a very interesting concept that's been doting at me for a day or so now. I told him that I found it hard to be a part of a religion because there are so many people out there that are so strong and devout to their religion and their God as much as I simply believe in God alone. And he explained, not in great detail, that God created ways of communicating with different people and that for the most part religions generally run along the same format, a monotheistic God and a disciple of sorts who is the key to communicating with God and helping those who sin find peace. Not his exact words, but that was the gist. He also suggested I read Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis, so I might be looking through my old book collection when I return to SoFl.

Whether I take the Christian route is tough to say. I wouldn't say that I'm being defiant as much as I am being cautious. But I will say that I'm beginning to find out a lot about myself by living in this little house.

Hopefully by next Monday I'll have date for my tooth to get extracted.

1. I take it back... prayer did help...